patgund | Recipes of mass destruction....

http://www.switchbackfair.co.uk/2004/recipe.php

Texas-Style Wraps of Mass Destruction

serves two implacable enemies at high noon

This delicious traditional staple has been a central fixture of Texan life ever since it formed the last line of defence at the Alamo. Back then they used cactus spines and snake venom to produce the familiar taste explosion. Nowadays our sophisticated palates demand a bigger fallout, so we allow chillies to proliferate throughout the recipe.
Wraps of Mass Destruction

You will need:

* 1 tsp each of oregano, cumin, coriander
* 2 cloves of garlic, crushed
* 1 finely chopped jalapeño chilli
* 2 extremely finely chopped serrano chillies
* 3 habanero chillies, chopped fanatically, machine milled, and purified by gaseous diffusion
* 25 ml (1 fl. oz.) water
* 60 ml (1/2 gill) fresh lime juice
* 100 ml (0.704 nips) tequila
* 4000 ml (2 flagons) aviation fuel
* 500 g (2.5 hunks) beef steak. Alternatively, chicken may be used
* 15 kg (1 tennis ball) highly enriched uranium. Alternatively, plutonium may be used
* 200 g (0.66 jars) weaponised salsa
* 6 graphite-lined tortillas
* 1 giant mushroom

First, prepare your work surface. All preparation should be carried out underground, preferably inside a hollowed-out volcano. It is quite easy to stink out the living quarters during preparation, so I find it useful to install a military-strength air filtration system in the kitchen. Also, don't forget to wash your hands thoroughly after handling the peppers - they can cause irritation!

To make the marinade, mix the spices, garlic, chillies, water, lime juice, tequila and petrol in a sturdy vat and stir until your spoon starts to dissolve. Add piranhas to taste. Tenderise the beef using the butt of an AK-47 or other rifle, then drop it carefully into the depths. You should notice a fizzing gas being released - quickly withdraw to a safe distance. The beef should now be left to marinade for approximately one decade. Meanwhile, take the opportunity to assemble a team of evil scientists.

When the beef is ready, order your minions to cut it into strips with a heavy-duty laser and place it on the bottom shelf of the volcano with the uranium. Keep an eye on them while you practice your cackling. After a few minutes the beef should turn a lovely fluorescent colour. Take it out and then carefully add the salsa until it becomes hotter than the surface of the sun. Divide the mixture between the tortillas and wrap them up (wear gloves). Finally, cut the mushroom into small pieces and spread over a wide area. It is now time to call the UN.

CRITICAL WARNING: Avoid keeping the wraps in close proximity to each other before deployment (pictured).