![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
patgundSeveral years ago, when I reviewed "Barn of the Blood Llama", a friend of mine said "there IS a worse movie than "A Polish Vampire in Burbank".
Welll, I'm here today to say that while "BotBL" still holds the bad movie title, "A Polish Vampire in Burbank" ranks right down there alright. Flashbacks to 80's hair included. Written by, directed, and starred in by Mark Pirro, and shot in Super 8 with the entire soundtrack done in post on a budget of $2500, the movie tells the story of Dupah.
Dupah is a bit of a failure as vampires go. He thinks his fangs are too small, he's got a Farrah Fawcett poster on the inside lid of his coffin, and he's been more content to sit at home in his bat pajamas sipping blood that his father and sister bring home for him in a ziploc baggie. His sister Yvonne tries to get him to show more interest in their outings, since his father is getting tired of bringing home doggy bags for Dupah. Haunting Dupah as well is the skeleton of his older brother Sphincter, who was a complete failure as a vampire and ended up staying out too late and getting himself toasted. Sphincter is full of helpful advice to Dupah, though since he wasn't too good himself, you wonder how good the advice really is.
Finally, daddy drac gets tired and cuts Dupah off, telling him he's going to need to get his own meals from now on. He then finds Delores Lane, a ditzy health club instructor with a liking for vampire movies and a jerk of an ex-boyfriend. Dupah targets her to be his first victim, but starts to fall in love with her as well. Delores also thinks Dupah is pretty stiffy herself, talking about him to her roommate Misty, a fellow health club instructor who happens to have the IQ of celery.
At home Dupah gets some razzing from his father for not putting the bite on Dolores, and sends him out to try it again. Dupah ends up at the health club, and ends up soaking in the hottub with another victim of supernatural forces, the queerwolf, who turns into a homosexual when the moon is full.
This being made in 1985, of course the humour is going to be pretty lame on such things. As you soon discover, the moon is only half-full, so technically he's a biwolf. *wince*
Anyway, Dolores and Dupah go out to a vampire movie. Dupah, (with help from Sphincter), tries to put the bite on Dolores, and ends up with her pearls caught in his fangs, bringing the evening to an end as they get yelled at by a movie usher with more issues than National Geographic.
I hate it when that happens. But they patch things up to go to the Health Club instructors party the next night. Sure enough at the party, Dupah feels like a wallflower, Misty and Dolores' ex-boyfriend do a horrible Sonny and Cher imitation, and and finally Dupah steels up enough nerve to ask Dolores to join her in a garden shed. She happily accepts, thinking he's up to something delightfully kinky, goes to get a drink, only to come back and find Dupah in the shed with the queerwolf, who Dupah had mistaken for Dolores. Dolores puts two and two together and comes up with purple. Dupah, mortifies, runs off into the night, leaving his sneaker behind, like a very nerdy undead Cinderella.
Comes the day, Dolores tracks Dupah to his home to give the sneaker back, and finds crypt sweet crypt. Finding Dupah in his casket, she decides that this must have been an attempt to seduce her and climbs into the casket with him. They give in to their darkest desires, and Dupah puts the bite on Dolores, but not drinking enough to kill her. He tenderly tells her she was his first, ("...ah, sweet mystery of unlife at last I found you....."), and they have another romp in the casket.
Meanwhile, bozo ex-boyfriend goes to find Dolores at her apartment, and ends up getting wasted with Misty, taking turns smoking joints the size of M-80 firecrackers and working though the entire 'tos family, (Doritos, Cheetos, Fritos.....)
Back at the crypt, Dolores snuggles up to Dupah, telling him how wonderful it was. Only to find he's rolled over and went to sleep. Upset, she heads home, unware that she's part of the metabolically-challenged set herself now. Finding baked ex-boyfriend at her home, she decides to pretend to seduce him, finally putting the bite on him in a rather delicate place.
Well, there are veins there after all.
Dupah wakes up, realizes it's almost daytime, and tries to go off to find Dolores. Sphincter points out he's gonna be undead flambe if he goes out and tromps out to find Dolores himself. He finds Dolores and brings her back, except, oopsie, it was too late and now she's a skeleton herself, looking like a slightly overfed supermodel now.
Sphincter, of course, goes "hey, my girl now!", and after sharing a tender farewell kiss with Dupah, Dolores starts to go off with Sphincter, metacarpus in metacarpus. Ah, but fearing the loss of his true love, Dupah goes out to look at the sunrise himself, and becomes a skeleton himself. Calling out to Dolores, the two run towards each other, embracing in a calcium-fortified torrid embrace, as Sphincter finds himself demoted to canine chew toy.
My brain now hurts.
Pirro went on to create such movie masterpieces as "Curse of the Queerwolf", "Nudist Colony of the Dead", and "Rectuma". Obviously someone is trying for the repeat offender reward.
There's really not a lot of movie to write about. It's on a broken shoelace budget, using any prop or scene it could get away with. And it doesn't take itself seriously. No llamas, but bad enough anyway.a
Welll, I'm here today to say that while "BotBL" still holds the bad movie title, "A Polish Vampire in Burbank" ranks right down there alright. Flashbacks to 80's hair included. Written by, directed, and starred in by Mark Pirro, and shot in Super 8 with the entire soundtrack done in post on a budget of $2500, the movie tells the story of Dupah.
Dupah is a bit of a failure as vampires go. He thinks his fangs are too small, he's got a Farrah Fawcett poster on the inside lid of his coffin, and he's been more content to sit at home in his bat pajamas sipping blood that his father and sister bring home for him in a ziploc baggie. His sister Yvonne tries to get him to show more interest in their outings, since his father is getting tired of bringing home doggy bags for Dupah. Haunting Dupah as well is the skeleton of his older brother Sphincter, who was a complete failure as a vampire and ended up staying out too late and getting himself toasted. Sphincter is full of helpful advice to Dupah, though since he wasn't too good himself, you wonder how good the advice really is.
Finally, daddy drac gets tired and cuts Dupah off, telling him he's going to need to get his own meals from now on. He then finds Delores Lane, a ditzy health club instructor with a liking for vampire movies and a jerk of an ex-boyfriend. Dupah targets her to be his first victim, but starts to fall in love with her as well. Delores also thinks Dupah is pretty stiffy herself, talking about him to her roommate Misty, a fellow health club instructor who happens to have the IQ of celery.
At home Dupah gets some razzing from his father for not putting the bite on Dolores, and sends him out to try it again. Dupah ends up at the health club, and ends up soaking in the hottub with another victim of supernatural forces, the queerwolf, who turns into a homosexual when the moon is full.
This being made in 1985, of course the humour is going to be pretty lame on such things. As you soon discover, the moon is only half-full, so technically he's a biwolf. *wince*
Anyway, Dolores and Dupah go out to a vampire movie. Dupah, (with help from Sphincter), tries to put the bite on Dolores, and ends up with her pearls caught in his fangs, bringing the evening to an end as they get yelled at by a movie usher with more issues than National Geographic.
I hate it when that happens. But they patch things up to go to the Health Club instructors party the next night. Sure enough at the party, Dupah feels like a wallflower, Misty and Dolores' ex-boyfriend do a horrible Sonny and Cher imitation, and and finally Dupah steels up enough nerve to ask Dolores to join her in a garden shed. She happily accepts, thinking he's up to something delightfully kinky, goes to get a drink, only to come back and find Dupah in the shed with the queerwolf, who Dupah had mistaken for Dolores. Dolores puts two and two together and comes up with purple. Dupah, mortifies, runs off into the night, leaving his sneaker behind, like a very nerdy undead Cinderella.
Comes the day, Dolores tracks Dupah to his home to give the sneaker back, and finds crypt sweet crypt. Finding Dupah in his casket, she decides that this must have been an attempt to seduce her and climbs into the casket with him. They give in to their darkest desires, and Dupah puts the bite on Dolores, but not drinking enough to kill her. He tenderly tells her she was his first, ("...ah, sweet mystery of unlife at last I found you....."), and they have another romp in the casket.
Meanwhile, bozo ex-boyfriend goes to find Dolores at her apartment, and ends up getting wasted with Misty, taking turns smoking joints the size of M-80 firecrackers and working though the entire 'tos family, (Doritos, Cheetos, Fritos.....)
Back at the crypt, Dolores snuggles up to Dupah, telling him how wonderful it was. Only to find he's rolled over and went to sleep. Upset, she heads home, unware that she's part of the metabolically-challenged set herself now. Finding baked ex-boyfriend at her home, she decides to pretend to seduce him, finally putting the bite on him in a rather delicate place.
Well, there are veins there after all.
Dupah wakes up, realizes it's almost daytime, and tries to go off to find Dolores. Sphincter points out he's gonna be undead flambe if he goes out and tromps out to find Dolores himself. He finds Dolores and brings her back, except, oopsie, it was too late and now she's a skeleton herself, looking like a slightly overfed supermodel now.
Sphincter, of course, goes "hey, my girl now!", and after sharing a tender farewell kiss with Dupah, Dolores starts to go off with Sphincter, metacarpus in metacarpus. Ah, but fearing the loss of his true love, Dupah goes out to look at the sunrise himself, and becomes a skeleton himself. Calling out to Dolores, the two run towards each other, embracing in a calcium-fortified torrid embrace, as Sphincter finds himself demoted to canine chew toy.
My brain now hurts.
Pirro went on to create such movie masterpieces as "Curse of the Queerwolf", "Nudist Colony of the Dead", and "Rectuma". Obviously someone is trying for the repeat offender reward.
There's really not a lot of movie to write about. It's on a broken shoelace budget, using any prop or scene it could get away with. And it doesn't take itself seriously. No llamas, but bad enough anyway.a
