Patrick McKinnion's Ramblings

(Also posted at Bad Fiction)


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(Knock knock.....)

"Yeah?"

"Hey, Patrick. It's your conscience."

"Oh hey, how's it going. Here, have a diet Barq's."

"That's nice. Now, about Bad Fiction...."

"What about it?"

"You know, it's supposed to be bad movies and worse politics. Seems like lately you've been all about the politics."

"Sigh. Yeah, I know. I need to do a review. I haven't done one since "The Violent Years"

"Now."

"Okay, I'll fire up the DVD player and start "The Touch of Satan" then. That should do it".

"No. You know which one."

"Space Mutiny?" "Evil Alien Conquerors"?

"No. You know which one. It's got Mark Hamil in it".

---

"Oh, "Laserhawk!" then....."

"No."

"I don't have 'Corvette Summer', but I suppose I can get a copy....."

"No."

"You mean??"

"Yes, THAT one!"

"Do I HAVE to?? I mean I reviewed "Zardoz", "Barn of the Blood Llama" and "A Polish Vampire in Burbank"!! I think I've paid my dues!"

"THAT ONE!"

"But that's the five scariest words to a Star Wars fan!! That is, of course, next to "Jabba The Hutt's Prostate Exam" and "Jar-Jar Binks Fetish Porn".

"You know what needs to be done......"

"WHINE........."

( Review behind cut )

Several years ago, when I reviewed "Barn of the Blood Llama", a friend of mine said "there IS a worse movie than "A Polish Vampire in Burbank".

Welll, I'm here today to say that while "BotBL" still holds the bad movie title, "A Polish Vampire in Burbank" ranks right down there alright. Flashbacks to 80's hair included. Written by, directed, and starred in by Mark Pirro, and shot in Super 8 with the entire soundtrack done in post on a budget of $2500, the movie tells the story of Dupah.

( Comments behind cut )

Night of the Lepus is a classic in the genre of really bad movies. Made in 1972, this cult classic has a strong cast of "B" actors, good special effects, good acting, and it's obvious that MGM really sunk some money into it. It's reputation is such it footage even showed up in "The Matrix", "Pulp Fiction", and "Natural Born Killers", The actors include Stuart Whitman, Janet Leigh, Rory Calhoun, and DeForest Kelley. And it was requested by a lot of MST3K fans to appear, but they could never get the rights for it.

So with all that behind it, the movie suffers from one overwhelming fatal flaw. There is no way on Earth you can giant killer rabbits appear threatening. It can't be done.

( A horde of giant killer rabbits are approaching.....remain calm )

Here's an 8 minute clip of scenes from "Wizards of the Demon Sword". Enjoy the dialog for yourself......

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AY8ah2ubVF0

I started to watch Wizards of the Demon Sword, and couldn't get much past "wow, this movie sucks".

So, rather than watch it alone, I brought in the help of experienced bad movie watchers blackflag669 and ismarc. Who may forgive me someday.

Wizards of the Demon Sword opens with a woman clad in a surplus "Logan's Run" mini-dress running across the desolate Vasquez Rocks Natural Area Park while chased by three generic henchmen on horseback. She seems to either be enjoying her running a bit TOO much, or they accidently used the special effects CD from the same porno film they got a good chunk of the extras. After a few more breathy gasps and moans, she's wanders in a circle, runs TOWARD the lead bad guy, lets out a few more orgasms, and gets captured in a net. Right around now the generic fantasy film guidelines require that the mysterious sword-wielding hero appear.

And so he does, in all his blow-dried glory.

Right about now, the audience of this movie will want to give in to the temptation to shove knitting needles into their ears to escape the GOD-AWFUL dialog. This movie doesn't need a dialog coach, it needs a dialog intensive care ward. Or maybe actors who's primary skills aren't on the casting couch.

( Turn right at the last outpost of humanity.... )

I had heard of this bit of film while I was in Doha, so of course had to order it. Until now, the DVD has been sitting in my collection, wrapped, waiting, like a glittery cyst waiting to burst over our senses in sequined slime. Last night, it burst badly. Last night the seventh seal was broken, and out rode madness. And lo, madness wore lycra and sequins, and rode a triangular horse. And on it's mascaraed face, the mark of evil, the mark of BIM.

It turns out that when you gaze into the face of disco madness, the disco abyss gazes back at you. And the face is the heavily made-up face of this movie.

( BIM Badness Behind Break )

Ah, illness. When fevers, joint aches, and undue amounts of cough syrup allow one to catch up with their video collection.

At times, this can be enjoyable. At other times, the sheer "WTF moments" make one's movie seem a figment of the medicine. Surely the human mind didn't actually FILM that, did they??

Then there's Japan. Now, I'm an admitted Nipponophile. I adore sushi, enjoy finding cool stuff in Japanese stores, have more than a fair share of Japanese toys. I'm a Pocky addict, love anime, and grew up watching Japanese sendai live-action shows.

This doesn't change the fact that there is something deeply, disturbingly *wrong* in the Japanese mindset. This live-action move, "The Calamari Wrestler" (Ika Resuraa) is an example of this, a heartwarming, uplifting story about a person achieving their dream of being the Pro Wrestling champion of Japan, despite the disability of being turned into a giant squid......

( Rest of review behind cut )

Sometimes one keeps putting off and putting off a movie review. In the case of things like "Barn of the Blood Llama", it's because the brain's self-preservation instincts are trying in vain to block out all memories of the movie.

And in some cases, it's because you just don't know where to begin. You want to try to place yourself in the director and writer's mindset, to try and figure out just what the smegging hell were they thinking.

In the case of Zardoz, you can't do that. Not without some major amounts of narcotics. But, stone cold sober, I'll give it a go....

And this is going to be a VERY long review, simply because there's a blortload of plots, subplots, halfplots, quarterplots, semi-hemi-demiquaver plots, and just plain "huh?" going on. Every review of "Zardoz" I've read has been bloody long, why should mine be any different?

( Review (and it's a long one) behind cut. Whee...... )

Mind you, for the most part I liked a lot of Episode III. That's not stopping the snarkage though.....

( Snarkage behind cut....... )