![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
patgundI know.
I know what I want in my life and why. I know the elements and aspects of my life that I want to attract and confirm.
And I also know I'm worthy of this. I'm worthy of love and joy, of being happy, well, and successful.
And I know the future I want to create and why. I know I want this, I need this, I require this, I know I deserve this future, this life that I can see. All it requires is that I reach out with my hand and heart, my mind and soul, and create it, will it into happening, to being.
(That last line looks almost Thelemic in tone and intent)
Because I can. Because the only things stopping me are my own fears, my own doubts.
My willingness to believe what others tell me, rather than what really is.
I took my last job because I was desperate. And I had three years of their telling me my skills were sub-par, barely up to my duties. I was told that I was a technical incompetent, that I couldn't do what I said I could do.
What a load of crap.
I applied for a job in Qatar, because someone saw my older resume on Monster and inquired as to my interest. As a lark, I applied. I updated my resume, finished the certifications I was taking, and applied for one of two positions they sent me. I applied for the lesser of the two because I saw no reason to believe I was qualified for the better of the two.
And they interviewed me, some of the roughest phone interviews I've been though, ones that left me feeling that there's no way I could get this position.
Then on a sunday morning, they called. They wanted to offer me the better of the two positions, the one I didn't apply for because I didn't believe I was good enough.
I competed on a global field, against applicants from around the world. And they offered me the better of the two jobs, because they felt I was worth it and up for the task. At a pay-rate where the *base* pay was twice what the institute paid me, and that's not including the bonuses and allowances.
If I was so wrong about my technical skills and worth in my field, what else was I wrong about?
I pushed people I loved out of my life because I wasn't good enough for them, because I couldn't see the person *they* saw in me. I engaged in destructive behaviour because I felt it didn't matter, that I would lose what and who I wanted anyway. I got involved with people like Jill and a couple others, not because I really loved them, but because I believed, yes, *believed*, that it was the level I was worth, that I couldn't get anything better in my life. I let myself be used as a marker in other people's games, as a way of counting coup. I believed the lies that other people told me about myself.
And when I got something better in my life, I pushed it away, threw it aside, because I knew, deep down, I wasn't worthy of it or them. Because I believed those people who told me, believed *myself*, that I wasn't worthy, that I wasn't deserving, that all I deserved in my life was loss and hatred and pain and sorrow. I was so willing to believe anything bad about me, and so unwilling to believe anything good.
And it was just as much of a load of crap as when I believed that my technical skills were sub-par. There is absolutely no reason for me to believe any of this, absolutely no reason to buy into this load of garbage.
Because I deserve the best. Because I don't deserve the loss, the pain, the sorrow, the hatred. Because I don't deserve anything horrible and horrid that happens to me.
No, I deserve love. And friendship. And joy, and laughter, and caring, and a bright, happy, wonderful future that I can teach out with both hands and my mind and heart and create for myself. Because it's what I need, what I deserve, and what I create and will into being.
And I'm not willing to settle for second or third best. Not willing to settle for broken dreams, and good enough. Not willing to settle for third or fourth best, not willing to settle for believing that I deserve anything less than what I want and need in my life. And I will not let anything stop me from this goal - not even myself, and the old lies and falsehoods and bad programming and all the other *crap* that kept me back.
I'm learning how to achieve this goal, create the future I want, affirm the person I really am. Be it by prayer. Be it by magic. Be it by programming my own mind and heart to accept that I can and will have this future. By whatever means, storming heaven or storming the subconscious, this is what I will have in my future.
Because this is what I deserve. And what I will have.
I know what I want in my life and why. I know the elements and aspects of my life that I want to attract and confirm.
And I also know I'm worthy of this. I'm worthy of love and joy, of being happy, well, and successful.
And I know the future I want to create and why. I know I want this, I need this, I require this, I know I deserve this future, this life that I can see. All it requires is that I reach out with my hand and heart, my mind and soul, and create it, will it into happening, to being.
(That last line looks almost Thelemic in tone and intent)
Because I can. Because the only things stopping me are my own fears, my own doubts.
My willingness to believe what others tell me, rather than what really is.
I took my last job because I was desperate. And I had three years of their telling me my skills were sub-par, barely up to my duties. I was told that I was a technical incompetent, that I couldn't do what I said I could do.
What a load of crap.
I applied for a job in Qatar, because someone saw my older resume on Monster and inquired as to my interest. As a lark, I applied. I updated my resume, finished the certifications I was taking, and applied for one of two positions they sent me. I applied for the lesser of the two because I saw no reason to believe I was qualified for the better of the two.
And they interviewed me, some of the roughest phone interviews I've been though, ones that left me feeling that there's no way I could get this position.
Then on a sunday morning, they called. They wanted to offer me the better of the two positions, the one I didn't apply for because I didn't believe I was good enough.
I competed on a global field, against applicants from around the world. And they offered me the better of the two jobs, because they felt I was worth it and up for the task. At a pay-rate where the *base* pay was twice what the institute paid me, and that's not including the bonuses and allowances.
If I was so wrong about my technical skills and worth in my field, what else was I wrong about?
I pushed people I loved out of my life because I wasn't good enough for them, because I couldn't see the person *they* saw in me. I engaged in destructive behaviour because I felt it didn't matter, that I would lose what and who I wanted anyway. I got involved with people like Jill and a couple others, not because I really loved them, but because I believed, yes, *believed*, that it was the level I was worth, that I couldn't get anything better in my life. I let myself be used as a marker in other people's games, as a way of counting coup. I believed the lies that other people told me about myself.
And when I got something better in my life, I pushed it away, threw it aside, because I knew, deep down, I wasn't worthy of it or them. Because I believed those people who told me, believed *myself*, that I wasn't worthy, that I wasn't deserving, that all I deserved in my life was loss and hatred and pain and sorrow. I was so willing to believe anything bad about me, and so unwilling to believe anything good.
And it was just as much of a load of crap as when I believed that my technical skills were sub-par. There is absolutely no reason for me to believe any of this, absolutely no reason to buy into this load of garbage.
Because I deserve the best. Because I don't deserve the loss, the pain, the sorrow, the hatred. Because I don't deserve anything horrible and horrid that happens to me.
No, I deserve love. And friendship. And joy, and laughter, and caring, and a bright, happy, wonderful future that I can teach out with both hands and my mind and heart and create for myself. Because it's what I need, what I deserve, and what I create and will into being.
And I'm not willing to settle for second or third best. Not willing to settle for broken dreams, and good enough. Not willing to settle for third or fourth best, not willing to settle for believing that I deserve anything less than what I want and need in my life. And I will not let anything stop me from this goal - not even myself, and the old lies and falsehoods and bad programming and all the other *crap* that kept me back.
I'm learning how to achieve this goal, create the future I want, affirm the person I really am. Be it by prayer. Be it by magic. Be it by programming my own mind and heart to accept that I can and will have this future. By whatever means, storming heaven or storming the subconscious, this is what I will have in my future.
Because this is what I deserve. And what I will have.
