Bad Movie Review - The Apple
Mar. 2nd, 2008 08:55 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
patgundI had heard of this bit of film while I was in Doha, so of course had to order it. Until now, the DVD has been sitting in my collection, wrapped, waiting, like a glittery cyst waiting to burst over our senses in sequined slime. Last night, it burst badly. Last night the seventh seal was broken, and out rode madness. And lo, madness wore lycra and sequins, and rode a triangular horse. And on it's mascaraed face, the mark of evil, the mark of BIM.
It turns out that when you gaze into the face of disco madness, the disco abyss gazes back at you. And the face is the heavily made-up face of this movie.
Made in 1980, release just after the Disco craze died, "The Apple" is a Sci-Fi New-Age Dystopia Disco Musical. With Biblical overtones, and a dash of Faust. Not to mention more gender-ambiguous people than an Ann Coulter impersonator's convention. And a different musical/dance number every 3 minutes or so.
Set in the year 1994, the movie opens on the Worldvision Song Festival, dominated by BIM (Boogalow International Music), which pretty much controls the entire music industry, using it to promote their prepackaged pop pablum. In this case, it's much like the music industry of 2008, but with even more control over the government and society. Lead by the oh-so-campy "Mr. Boogalow", who looks like Dr. Who's "The Master" in mascara, and aided by Shake, Boogaloo's FABULOUS glitter and speedoed right-hand.....man? BIM has already decided the winner of Worldvision is going to be BIM's dynamic duo of Dandi and Pandi, which lyrics that make one long for the the thought-provoking, inspired lyrics of Milli Vanilli.
Ah, but there's a fly in the BIM ointment. On the stage strides the duo from Moose Jaw, Alphie (What's it all about?), and Bibi. Sounding like a cut-rate Captain and Tennille, Alphie and Bibi proceed to warble out a clingy, happy cheerful song ("Love, The Universal Melody") that would have sent a smurf into a diabetic coma ("You're....the light within my darkness / You're....the shelter from the storm....") . The audience actually likes this over the pop pap, and it looks like the white bread wonder twins are going to win Worldvision. Mr. Boogalow can't let this happen, so his FABULOUS assistant Shake uses THE RED TAPE to sabotage Alphie and Bibi and insure that Pandibat and Dandibat win the contest.
Ah, but it seems Mr. Boogalow has a heart of pure iron pyrite, and invites Alphie and Bibi to the Big Bad BIM bash after the contest, where they are discussing what kind of BIM barf they can shove off on the public. One underling comes up with "BIM Marks", little triangular holographic stickers you place on your face. Mr. Boogalow seems to be happy with the wondertwin's white bread aura, and this leads to the white bread wonder twins getting invited into BIM's HQ the next day. Bibi is all for bringing BIM on board, but Alphie isn't convinced. Ah, seems like the white bread wonder twins are having a bit of a tiff here. Never the less, they show up the next day at what looks like Barbie's International Airport playset, to meet Mr. Boogalow.
Mr. Boogalow wants Alphie and Bibi to become BIMmers and join their happy glitter-infused family. Bibi's only concern is "Where do I sign?" Alphie is getting visions of storm clouds, infernal dance numbers, and Mr. Boogalow's leering single-horned face. He ends up scramming.
(By now a retarded lemur can figure out the plot. That makes sense, since I suspect a retarded lemur wrote the script.)
Beaming BIM Beauty Bibi's star is on the rise. After a song and dance number in which Mr. Boogalow's relationship to his employees is pretty much defined as "Master / slave", Bibi is remade into a pop-star, with an introductory number relating the USA's behaviour to drugs, and pretty much becoming a BIMbo babe.
Meanwhile, Alphie has hit rock bottom, writing song lyrics that the BIMbots won't buy and feeling up his babushka landlady's big bosoms. However, it's obvious to anyone with the IQ of algae that he better find another line of work soon, like imitating wood products or cruising airport bathrooms for senators. Since we're talking Alphie, he keeps trying to sell a song and pine for his white bread woman.
Finally, in a flood of misplaced macho behaviour, Alphie tries to rescue Bibi. They almost meet in the crowd, but are kept away by the BIMmers, Dandi tells off Alphie, and the BIM bodyguards proceed to brutally beat Alphie's brokenhearted body.
After his landlady nurses him back to health, Alphie wanders aimlessly until he runs into Hagrid's hippie older brother, the leader of a tribe of woodstock leftovers that live outside of BIM's control. After getting sage advice, the hippies boogie away from BIM's beatcops, who ticket Alphie for not wearing a BIM mark. Seems the BIM mark is now a holographic mark of the fabulous beastie.
About this point there's a song and dance number about BIM's mandatory national fitness hour, where people are forced to drop everything they're doing (firefighting, surgery, being a patient, etc), to build a better body the BIM way. It's obvious by now BIM controls all, knows all, is all. A fabulous, glitter, mylar, and massacred big brother (?) if you will.
Alphie makes his way back to his gropenmuther landlady, who talks him into crashing a big bad BIM bash to woo his white bread wondertwin back to his arms. Alphie manages to do just that, and Pandibat takes him under her fashionable wing.
Ah, but Pandi is yet another BIMbo, and slips Alphie a mickey. Based on his reaction, she slipped him a minnie, donald, huey, dewey AND louie too. Pandi lures a drugged Alphie back to her sexpad lair and attempts to wham-bam-thank you-BIM on his hunky white bread carcass, Alas, either Twue Wuv wins over all, or Alphie doesn't have a thing for sexy black popstar BIMmies. Despite her best effort, (and a synchronized team boinking / dance number that looked like the Moulin Rouge as done by Cirque du Soleil), Pandi fails to impress either the stoned Alphie OR the East German judges, and off he goes tripping into the Big Bad BIM woods in search of poor BIMbi Bibi.
Finally, in the lime jello room at the Madonna Inn, Alphie finds Bibi, in the arms and bed of Dandy Dandi. Dejected, Alphie goes off in search of Captain Tripps and the BIM-free beatniks, to drown his sorrow in love, companionship,and killer bud.
The next morning Bibi wakes up from her BIM boinkfest, and tells Pandi she dreamed of seeing Alphie. Pandibat tells Bibi that he was there, horrifying Bibi with Alphie having seen her BIM-bam boinking of Dandi. Pandi feels remorse in her BIM-owned soul, and tells her to escape BIM and go to Alphie. They manage to get Bibi out, and Pandi gets slapped in return by Shake having a hissy-fit.
Bibi makes her way to Alphie's often-groped now ex-landlady, who tells her to go under the bridge. Bibi makes her way down the river to Hippie Hagrid, who in turns leads Bibi to her now hippifed white-bread wonderwtwin. They look at each other, he tenderly removes the BIM mark from her face, and they embrace.
One year later, the BIM-free beatniks are grouped over campfires in the park, snuggling, having good vibes, and smoking doobies the size of louisville sluggers. The white-bread wonderlovers seem to have spawned a dinner roll of their very own. However, a rattling sound harshes their mellow. Out of the woods and over the hills march the fabulously-clad BIMtroopen, surrounding the horrified hippies. Seems they're out to arrest Bibi, who owes BIM (pinkie in corner of mouth) $10 million dollars. This is a ploy by Mr. Boogaloo and FABULOUS Shake to bring Bibi back to BIM. The hippies are confused, Bibi doesn't want to go back. Alphie tells her to wait for the mythical Mr. Topps to make it all better.
Right on cue comes the golden rays of Deux Ex Machina man, AKA Mr. Topps, AKA God. God apparently drives a flying golden Rolls Royce, and looks a lot like Hippie Hagrid. He confounds the BIMtruppen, tells Mr. Boogaloo that the hippies are his, and leads them up into the clouds and to freedom, along with a de-BIMmed Pandibat. And the movie ends, not in the cry of Gabriel's trumpet, but in the whimper of the audience who just watched this musical monstrousity.
If disco wasn't already dead, this movie would have terminated life support on it's own. Amazingly, amusingly big BIM bad.
It turns out that when you gaze into the face of disco madness, the disco abyss gazes back at you. And the face is the heavily made-up face of this movie.
Made in 1980, release just after the Disco craze died, "The Apple" is a Sci-Fi New-Age Dystopia Disco Musical. With Biblical overtones, and a dash of Faust. Not to mention more gender-ambiguous people than an Ann Coulter impersonator's convention. And a different musical/dance number every 3 minutes or so.
Set in the year 1994, the movie opens on the Worldvision Song Festival, dominated by BIM (Boogalow International Music), which pretty much controls the entire music industry, using it to promote their prepackaged pop pablum. In this case, it's much like the music industry of 2008, but with even more control over the government and society. Lead by the oh-so-campy "Mr. Boogalow", who looks like Dr. Who's "The Master" in mascara, and aided by Shake, Boogaloo's FABULOUS glitter and speedoed right-hand.....man? BIM has already decided the winner of Worldvision is going to be BIM's dynamic duo of Dandi and Pandi, which lyrics that make one long for the the thought-provoking, inspired lyrics of Milli Vanilli.
Ah, but there's a fly in the BIM ointment. On the stage strides the duo from Moose Jaw, Alphie (What's it all about?), and Bibi. Sounding like a cut-rate Captain and Tennille, Alphie and Bibi proceed to warble out a clingy, happy cheerful song ("Love, The Universal Melody") that would have sent a smurf into a diabetic coma ("You're....the light within my darkness / You're....the shelter from the storm....") . The audience actually likes this over the pop pap, and it looks like the white bread wonder twins are going to win Worldvision. Mr. Boogalow can't let this happen, so his FABULOUS assistant Shake uses THE RED TAPE to sabotage Alphie and Bibi and insure that Pandibat and Dandibat win the contest.
Ah, but it seems Mr. Boogalow has a heart of pure iron pyrite, and invites Alphie and Bibi to the Big Bad BIM bash after the contest, where they are discussing what kind of BIM barf they can shove off on the public. One underling comes up with "BIM Marks", little triangular holographic stickers you place on your face. Mr. Boogalow seems to be happy with the wondertwin's white bread aura, and this leads to the white bread wonder twins getting invited into BIM's HQ the next day. Bibi is all for bringing BIM on board, but Alphie isn't convinced. Ah, seems like the white bread wonder twins are having a bit of a tiff here. Never the less, they show up the next day at what looks like Barbie's International Airport playset, to meet Mr. Boogalow.
Mr. Boogalow wants Alphie and Bibi to become BIMmers and join their happy glitter-infused family. Bibi's only concern is "Where do I sign?" Alphie is getting visions of storm clouds, infernal dance numbers, and Mr. Boogalow's leering single-horned face. He ends up scramming.
(By now a retarded lemur can figure out the plot. That makes sense, since I suspect a retarded lemur wrote the script.)
Beaming BIM Beauty Bibi's star is on the rise. After a song and dance number in which Mr. Boogalow's relationship to his employees is pretty much defined as "Master / slave", Bibi is remade into a pop-star, with an introductory number relating the USA's behaviour to drugs, and pretty much becoming a BIMbo babe.
Meanwhile, Alphie has hit rock bottom, writing song lyrics that the BIMbots won't buy and feeling up his babushka landlady's big bosoms. However, it's obvious to anyone with the IQ of algae that he better find another line of work soon, like imitating wood products or cruising airport bathrooms for senators. Since we're talking Alphie, he keeps trying to sell a song and pine for his white bread woman.
Finally, in a flood of misplaced macho behaviour, Alphie tries to rescue Bibi. They almost meet in the crowd, but are kept away by the BIMmers, Dandi tells off Alphie, and the BIM bodyguards proceed to brutally beat Alphie's brokenhearted body.
After his landlady nurses him back to health, Alphie wanders aimlessly until he runs into Hagrid's hippie older brother, the leader of a tribe of woodstock leftovers that live outside of BIM's control. After getting sage advice, the hippies boogie away from BIM's beatcops, who ticket Alphie for not wearing a BIM mark. Seems the BIM mark is now a holographic mark of the fabulous beastie.
About this point there's a song and dance number about BIM's mandatory national fitness hour, where people are forced to drop everything they're doing (firefighting, surgery, being a patient, etc), to build a better body the BIM way. It's obvious by now BIM controls all, knows all, is all. A fabulous, glitter, mylar, and massacred big brother (?) if you will.
Alphie makes his way back to his gropenmuther landlady, who talks him into crashing a big bad BIM bash to woo his white bread wondertwin back to his arms. Alphie manages to do just that, and Pandibat takes him under her fashionable wing.
Ah, but Pandi is yet another BIMbo, and slips Alphie a mickey. Based on his reaction, she slipped him a minnie, donald, huey, dewey AND louie too. Pandi lures a drugged Alphie back to her sexpad lair and attempts to wham-bam-thank you-BIM on his hunky white bread carcass, Alas, either Twue Wuv wins over all, or Alphie doesn't have a thing for sexy black popstar BIMmies. Despite her best effort, (and a synchronized team boinking / dance number that looked like the Moulin Rouge as done by Cirque du Soleil), Pandi fails to impress either the stoned Alphie OR the East German judges, and off he goes tripping into the Big Bad BIM woods in search of poor BIMbi Bibi.
Finally, in the lime jello room at the Madonna Inn, Alphie finds Bibi, in the arms and bed of Dandy Dandi. Dejected, Alphie goes off in search of Captain Tripps and the BIM-free beatniks, to drown his sorrow in love, companionship,and killer bud.
The next morning Bibi wakes up from her BIM boinkfest, and tells Pandi she dreamed of seeing Alphie. Pandibat tells Bibi that he was there, horrifying Bibi with Alphie having seen her BIM-bam boinking of Dandi. Pandi feels remorse in her BIM-owned soul, and tells her to escape BIM and go to Alphie. They manage to get Bibi out, and Pandi gets slapped in return by Shake having a hissy-fit.
Bibi makes her way to Alphie's often-groped now ex-landlady, who tells her to go under the bridge. Bibi makes her way down the river to Hippie Hagrid, who in turns leads Bibi to her now hippifed white-bread wonderwtwin. They look at each other, he tenderly removes the BIM mark from her face, and they embrace.
One year later, the BIM-free beatniks are grouped over campfires in the park, snuggling, having good vibes, and smoking doobies the size of louisville sluggers. The white-bread wonderlovers seem to have spawned a dinner roll of their very own. However, a rattling sound harshes their mellow. Out of the woods and over the hills march the fabulously-clad BIMtroopen, surrounding the horrified hippies. Seems they're out to arrest Bibi, who owes BIM (pinkie in corner of mouth) $10 million dollars. This is a ploy by Mr. Boogaloo and FABULOUS Shake to bring Bibi back to BIM. The hippies are confused, Bibi doesn't want to go back. Alphie tells her to wait for the mythical Mr. Topps to make it all better.
Right on cue comes the golden rays of Deux Ex Machina man, AKA Mr. Topps, AKA God. God apparently drives a flying golden Rolls Royce, and looks a lot like Hippie Hagrid. He confounds the BIMtruppen, tells Mr. Boogaloo that the hippies are his, and leads them up into the clouds and to freedom, along with a de-BIMmed Pandibat. And the movie ends, not in the cry of Gabriel's trumpet, but in the whimper of the audience who just watched this musical monstrousity.
If disco wasn't already dead, this movie would have terminated life support on it's own. Amazingly, amusingly big BIM bad.
