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Jan. 23rd, 2003 12:20 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
patgundhttp://www.despair.com/bittersweets.html
DESPAIR INC. RELEASES NEW-AND-IMPROVED "BITTERSWEETS(TM)", THE REVOLUTIONARY VALENTINE'S DAY CANDIES FOR THE DEJECTED AND DYSFUNCTIONAL
Austin, TX - January 23rd, 2003 - Despair Inc., the premiere retailer for cynics worldwide, recently announced the availability of new-and-improved versions of "BitterSweets(tm)", the radical Valentine's Day candy for the dejected and dysfunctional.
Like the century-old candy "conversation" hearts, BitterSweets are made of chalky-tasting sugar and have no nutritional value whatsoever. But unlike traditional candy hearts, which front romantic sayings like 'BE MINE' and 'KISS ME', BitterSweets are stamped with sour musings and mockeries perfectly suited to the dejected spirits of those who will either spend Valentine's Day alone and miserable, or locked in the soul-crushing clutches of a dysfunctional or co-dependent significant other.
Sporting messages like, 'JUST A FRIEND', 'HE HAS A JOB', 'I MISS MY EX' and 'RETURN MY CDS', BitterSweets provide bitingly humorous reminders of romantic rejections and indignities, allowing lonely and dysfunctional people an opportunity to celebrate the holiday on their own pathetic terms.
"Lonesome and jilted people aren't just neglected by the people they long to be loved by on Valentine's Day. Sadly, they are also ignored by the thousands of greeting-card publishers, candy and jewelry retailers and florists who focus on selling goods to those who are both in love and eager to demonstrate it through shallow consumption," said Dr. E. L. Kersten, founder and COO. "We believe our BitterSweets are filling a giant void in the marketplace, giving lonely and dysfunctional people a product that speaks to their own desperate plights."
After a respectful pause, Kersten added, "Our message to these miserable people is simply this: if you have a masochistic sense of humor and a valid credit card number, we will love you this Valentine's Day. Even if no one else will."
"NEW AND IMPROVED"
Introduced by Despair Inc. in 2002, BitterSweets proved enormously popular with enormously unpopular people. In the interest of better financially exploiting that sad population in 2003, Kersten directed his product development and marketing teams to join forces to give the candies a "complete Steve Jobsian overhaul" for 2003.
The "complete Steve Jobsian overhaul" refers to the charismatic Apple Computer founder's patented strategy of combining superficial modifications to an original product with exaggerated and superlative marketing claims to cheaply create the appearance of radical improvements over last year's version of that product. The technique is famous for having secured Apple a less than 5% market share in the personal computing world.
Superficial modifications to BitterSweets this year include an increase in the total number of designs available - from 15 in 2002 to 37 in 2003. New sayings include, 'SHE COOKS', 'WRITE A POEM', 'UP YER DOSAGE', 'IT FADED', 'KICKED 2 CURB' AND 'C THAT DOOR?'. Another trivial improvement in 2003 was the identification of 6 specific flavors, "Banana Chalk", "Grape Dust", "Citrucel", "You-Call-This-Lime?", "Pink Sand" and "Fossilized Rolaid". (Flavors were unspecified in 2002.) And perhaps least significant of all, the new 2003 BitterSweets label featured an entirely new PMS color and twice as many fonts.
Beyond these inconsequential changes, company marketing employees also opted to introduce a Valentine's Day Card sampler to compliment any BitterSweets purchase, allowing gift-givers to further personalize the indignity. The 3 card sampler, which retails for $6.95, includes "Dysfunction", "Loneliness" and "Strife" notecards, 3 envelopes and is packaged in a new, black gift box.
While many unimportant changes have been made to the product for the new year, Dr. Kersten was quick to point out that BitterSweets remained just as nutritious as they had been in 2002.
Echoing the claims of dozens of candy manufacturers, Kersten declared, "As always, BitterSweets remain a fat-free food."
After a considered pause, he added a quick adjoinder, "But you won't remain fat-free if you eat too many."
The candies are available exclusively for purchase through Despair's online store.
ABOUT DESPAIR INC.
Despair Inc. is a specialty retailer for pessimists that is nationally and internationally renowned for new, innovative, high-quality humor products.
All sales are of proprietary products created by the Company's product development group, Despair Labs. The Company is a direct-to-consumer retailer, selling products via the Internet at despair.com and via its toll-free 877-DESPAIR order line. The company also prints and mails a printed catalog to its international customer base, provided that they live in the United States.
NOTE: Despair, the Despair logo, :-(, Demotivators and BitterSweets are either registered trademarks or trademarks of Despair. Other company and product names may be trademarks of their respective owners.
DESPAIR INC. RELEASES NEW-AND-IMPROVED "BITTERSWEETS(TM)", THE REVOLUTIONARY VALENTINE'S DAY CANDIES FOR THE DEJECTED AND DYSFUNCTIONAL
Austin, TX - January 23rd, 2003 - Despair Inc., the premiere retailer for cynics worldwide, recently announced the availability of new-and-improved versions of "BitterSweets(tm)", the radical Valentine's Day candy for the dejected and dysfunctional.
Like the century-old candy "conversation" hearts, BitterSweets are made of chalky-tasting sugar and have no nutritional value whatsoever. But unlike traditional candy hearts, which front romantic sayings like 'BE MINE' and 'KISS ME', BitterSweets are stamped with sour musings and mockeries perfectly suited to the dejected spirits of those who will either spend Valentine's Day alone and miserable, or locked in the soul-crushing clutches of a dysfunctional or co-dependent significant other.
Sporting messages like, 'JUST A FRIEND', 'HE HAS A JOB', 'I MISS MY EX' and 'RETURN MY CDS', BitterSweets provide bitingly humorous reminders of romantic rejections and indignities, allowing lonely and dysfunctional people an opportunity to celebrate the holiday on their own pathetic terms.
"Lonesome and jilted people aren't just neglected by the people they long to be loved by on Valentine's Day. Sadly, they are also ignored by the thousands of greeting-card publishers, candy and jewelry retailers and florists who focus on selling goods to those who are both in love and eager to demonstrate it through shallow consumption," said Dr. E. L. Kersten, founder and COO. "We believe our BitterSweets are filling a giant void in the marketplace, giving lonely and dysfunctional people a product that speaks to their own desperate plights."
After a respectful pause, Kersten added, "Our message to these miserable people is simply this: if you have a masochistic sense of humor and a valid credit card number, we will love you this Valentine's Day. Even if no one else will."
"NEW AND IMPROVED"
Introduced by Despair Inc. in 2002, BitterSweets proved enormously popular with enormously unpopular people. In the interest of better financially exploiting that sad population in 2003, Kersten directed his product development and marketing teams to join forces to give the candies a "complete Steve Jobsian overhaul" for 2003.
The "complete Steve Jobsian overhaul" refers to the charismatic Apple Computer founder's patented strategy of combining superficial modifications to an original product with exaggerated and superlative marketing claims to cheaply create the appearance of radical improvements over last year's version of that product. The technique is famous for having secured Apple a less than 5% market share in the personal computing world.
Superficial modifications to BitterSweets this year include an increase in the total number of designs available - from 15 in 2002 to 37 in 2003. New sayings include, 'SHE COOKS', 'WRITE A POEM', 'UP YER DOSAGE', 'IT FADED', 'KICKED 2 CURB' AND 'C THAT DOOR?'. Another trivial improvement in 2003 was the identification of 6 specific flavors, "Banana Chalk", "Grape Dust", "Citrucel", "You-Call-This-Lime?", "Pink Sand" and "Fossilized Rolaid". (Flavors were unspecified in 2002.) And perhaps least significant of all, the new 2003 BitterSweets label featured an entirely new PMS color and twice as many fonts.
Beyond these inconsequential changes, company marketing employees also opted to introduce a Valentine's Day Card sampler to compliment any BitterSweets purchase, allowing gift-givers to further personalize the indignity. The 3 card sampler, which retails for $6.95, includes "Dysfunction", "Loneliness" and "Strife" notecards, 3 envelopes and is packaged in a new, black gift box.
While many unimportant changes have been made to the product for the new year, Dr. Kersten was quick to point out that BitterSweets remained just as nutritious as they had been in 2002.
Echoing the claims of dozens of candy manufacturers, Kersten declared, "As always, BitterSweets remain a fat-free food."
After a considered pause, he added a quick adjoinder, "But you won't remain fat-free if you eat too many."
The candies are available exclusively for purchase through Despair's online store.
ABOUT DESPAIR INC.
Despair Inc. is a specialty retailer for pessimists that is nationally and internationally renowned for new, innovative, high-quality humor products.
All sales are of proprietary products created by the Company's product development group, Despair Labs. The Company is a direct-to-consumer retailer, selling products via the Internet at despair.com and via its toll-free 877-DESPAIR order line. The company also prints and mails a printed catalog to its international customer base, provided that they live in the United States.
NOTE: Despair, the Despair logo, :-(, Demotivators and BitterSweets are either registered trademarks or trademarks of Despair. Other company and product names may be trademarks of their respective owners.
