Scots Menace Alert Scale

[patgund]

(Bit of silliness sent to me by a friend)

Subject: Re: Mysterious bagpiper: what to do?
From: "Paddy Smith"
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology

John D Salt wrote:
>
> See, this is where Highland hordesmen are trickier to deal with
> than Terrorists. If it's Terrorists, you know to ASSUME
> CONDITION ORANGE, or some other bright and distinctive colour.
> With the Scots Menace, though, all the alert states are in
> tartan, so it's MUCH harder. Can you tell an Abercrombie from a
> Hunting Cameron in a dim light? I know I can't.

SCOTS MENACE ALERT SCALE

ALERT STATE with comments

state: BLACK WATCH
This state is characterised as LOW THREAT of invasion and/or
extra-Caledonian activity by Highland clansmen, and by a tasteful dark green
with blue panels. Remain vigilant, keep sheep indoors.

state: CAMPBELL OF ARGYLL
This is an attractive grey-green and yellow alert state, with MEDIUM THREAT
of raids by hairy ginger-bearded men eating oats for dinner. Report all
suspicious unattended foxskin packages to a person in authority, and avoid
crowded areas during Old Firm matches.

state: ROYAL STUART
This is a serious condition of HIGH THREAT from generalised Jacobite
uprisings, sword dancing, and garish tourist-friendly travel rugs in hideous
untraditional reds. Stock up on soap and fresh vegetables, avoid areas prone
to caber attack and report all sightings of bobbled headgear immediately.