![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
patgund.....and write a review of "Barn of the Blood Llama", which I finally saw last saturday and have been trying to block the memory from my brain since then.
Where to begin...........
Considered to be the best movie to ever come out of Dripping Springs, Texas, "Barn" starts with a short by Clive Barker, describing the dreaded "Male Berserk Syndrome". Actually, it sounds more like he took a few hits off of what the writer was smoking when he wrote the script for this movie.
It then cuts to a scene where a older man puts a record on a record player. It starts to play when a llama hoof comes over and knocks the play arm from the record. We then get the credits, with the comment that it's "dubbed in English". It was *filmed* in English mind you, and then re-dubbed so the speech doesn't sync with the lip movement. Trust me, it doesn't matter.
Dr. Albert, the mad scientist in this movie, (who's been conducting research on llamas to try and create "day glow wool"), is conducting some.....errr.....ummm....breeding experiments with one of the llamas when his other wooly paramour, in a fit of jealousy, runs off. She promptly gets struck and killed by Toni, the hapless heroine of this movie.
In the meantime, a couple of local girls just did a drive-by bonk-them-and-dump-them of some of the local talent, and end up picking up Bock, a washed up has-been/never-was rock star who's going to Dr. Albert's to find a cure for his writer's block.
Back at the barn, Dr. Albert discovers the loss of his llamalove and takes Toni to his base of operations, the "World of Wool" llama farm, ran by an inbred idiot and his two moronic sons, Jug and Gibby. Gibby is hoping that the Dr. can give him a new brain, since his current one doesn't work very well. Jug has a long-standing wish to be a real cripple like those his mother liked. Seeing this family, one realizes that Darwin lived in vain.
After the llama funeral, (complete with llama-shaped casket and graveside mosh pit), it's back to the World o Wool, where the Dr. dunks Bock into a youth-restoring llama dip. Problem is this unleashes the dreaded male berserk syndrome, turning all the llamas into crazed killers. The cast of characters runs like bloody hell into the house to get weapons, while one of the llamas sprays toxic cud, (looks a lot like silly string), on one of the local ladies, killing her deader than my sense of disbelief.
The idiot father then hooks one of the llamas with a fishing pole, and goes for a deadly ride, while the doctor realizes that the llamas have MBS and have been driven insane by the smell of menstrual blood.
Back at the house for llama haggis, while the llamas steal and eat the distributor caps off of the cars. Bock and the local girls play ride-'em-pony, while Toni is spied upon by a llama
Daytime, and the girls go off into the creek to wash up, spied on by Jug and Gibby. The topless girls make GIbby remember the pleasures he had with his mother, much to his brother's annoyance.
Meanwhile, three women bowlers show up to get their balls polished, which it seems is something *else* the World o Wool has their hands in. The doctor examines Bock and discovers he has mutant llama blood.
The llamas return at dark, and the bowlers attack them with their anti-llama throwing stars. They needed to study ancient ninja llama techniques, because the llamas use the throwing stars against them and kill them. Toni is quasi-seduced by a llama in a dream. (I say quasi because she stops the llama to unroll and put on the llama a "one-size-fits-all" condom. Thankfully, this part is off camera.) The brothers moron manage to get one of the bowler's heads for a brain transplant.
Please don't ever make me type that paragraph again.
In the morning, the doctor and the tow-truck driver go off with a fake llama to collect llama sperm samples. In a tragic accident, the driver gets drowned in llama semen. (and I apologize for that mental image.) Meanwhile, Gibby explains to Toni that their mother left the World of Wool for a circus carnie, because she had a thing for them. The local girls get killed by llamas while washing their cars. In terror, surrounded by llamas, the survivors gather in the doctor's lab, where the bowler's head is reanimated and tells them that everything that they need to survive is in a duffle bag. That duffle bag proves to be as fatal as the llamas.
Bock pulls out an electric guitar and electrocutes himself. The Dalai Llama, (no I'm not kidding) appears with a brain for Gibby, who lunges for it, misses, and ends up with the top of his head ripped off while llamas eat his brain. If only the viewer was as lucky. Good Dr. Albert pulls out a valentine heart from his late, lamented llamalove, we get a hallmark moments sequence of all the tender, romantic moments him and his wooly paramour spent with each other. Then he gets two llama hooves through the chest and dies.
Jug pulls out his mothers dress, and puts it on, coaxing the llamas into the barn with the single most disturbing scene of the movie, singing "Momma loves her llamas, momma loves her llamas...." over and over again. A baby llama spits fire and sets the barn ablaze. Jug and Toni escape, where Jug finds to his delight that the fire has made him a hopeless cripple, like he always wanted. Toni finally escapes the farm, only to discover that her midnight rendezvous with her llama seducer wasn't a dream, and she's now in a wooly family way. At which point the movie ends, and you're left staring at the TV, wondering why by all that's holy does this movie even exist.
This movie is bad. Mindnumbingly, screamingly, hysterically bad. Bad enough to not only make you think "I can do better", but actually consider trying just that. Bad enough to revoke the director's Final Cut Pro license, and break his fingers before every going behind a camera again. We're talking "Manos, hands of fate" bad. Only worse.
By all means, see it with friends or loved ones.
Where to begin...........
Considered to be the best movie to ever come out of Dripping Springs, Texas, "Barn" starts with a short by Clive Barker, describing the dreaded "Male Berserk Syndrome". Actually, it sounds more like he took a few hits off of what the writer was smoking when he wrote the script for this movie.
It then cuts to a scene where a older man puts a record on a record player. It starts to play when a llama hoof comes over and knocks the play arm from the record. We then get the credits, with the comment that it's "dubbed in English". It was *filmed* in English mind you, and then re-dubbed so the speech doesn't sync with the lip movement. Trust me, it doesn't matter.
Dr. Albert, the mad scientist in this movie, (who's been conducting research on llamas to try and create "day glow wool"), is conducting some.....errr.....ummm....breeding experiments with one of the llamas when his other wooly paramour, in a fit of jealousy, runs off. She promptly gets struck and killed by Toni, the hapless heroine of this movie.
In the meantime, a couple of local girls just did a drive-by bonk-them-and-dump-them of some of the local talent, and end up picking up Bock, a washed up has-been/never-was rock star who's going to Dr. Albert's to find a cure for his writer's block.
Back at the barn, Dr. Albert discovers the loss of his llamalove and takes Toni to his base of operations, the "World of Wool" llama farm, ran by an inbred idiot and his two moronic sons, Jug and Gibby. Gibby is hoping that the Dr. can give him a new brain, since his current one doesn't work very well. Jug has a long-standing wish to be a real cripple like those his mother liked. Seeing this family, one realizes that Darwin lived in vain.
After the llama funeral, (complete with llama-shaped casket and graveside mosh pit), it's back to the World o Wool, where the Dr. dunks Bock into a youth-restoring llama dip. Problem is this unleashes the dreaded male berserk syndrome, turning all the llamas into crazed killers. The cast of characters runs like bloody hell into the house to get weapons, while one of the llamas sprays toxic cud, (looks a lot like silly string), on one of the local ladies, killing her deader than my sense of disbelief.
The idiot father then hooks one of the llamas with a fishing pole, and goes for a deadly ride, while the doctor realizes that the llamas have MBS and have been driven insane by the smell of menstrual blood.
Back at the house for llama haggis, while the llamas steal and eat the distributor caps off of the cars. Bock and the local girls play ride-'em-pony, while Toni is spied upon by a llama
Daytime, and the girls go off into the creek to wash up, spied on by Jug and Gibby. The topless girls make GIbby remember the pleasures he had with his mother, much to his brother's annoyance.
Meanwhile, three women bowlers show up to get their balls polished, which it seems is something *else* the World o Wool has their hands in. The doctor examines Bock and discovers he has mutant llama blood.
The llamas return at dark, and the bowlers attack them with their anti-llama throwing stars. They needed to study ancient ninja llama techniques, because the llamas use the throwing stars against them and kill them. Toni is quasi-seduced by a llama in a dream. (I say quasi because she stops the llama to unroll and put on the llama a "one-size-fits-all" condom. Thankfully, this part is off camera.) The brothers moron manage to get one of the bowler's heads for a brain transplant.
Please don't ever make me type that paragraph again.
In the morning, the doctor and the tow-truck driver go off with a fake llama to collect llama sperm samples. In a tragic accident, the driver gets drowned in llama semen. (and I apologize for that mental image.) Meanwhile, Gibby explains to Toni that their mother left the World of Wool for a circus carnie, because she had a thing for them. The local girls get killed by llamas while washing their cars. In terror, surrounded by llamas, the survivors gather in the doctor's lab, where the bowler's head is reanimated and tells them that everything that they need to survive is in a duffle bag. That duffle bag proves to be as fatal as the llamas.
Bock pulls out an electric guitar and electrocutes himself. The Dalai Llama, (no I'm not kidding) appears with a brain for Gibby, who lunges for it, misses, and ends up with the top of his head ripped off while llamas eat his brain. If only the viewer was as lucky. Good Dr. Albert pulls out a valentine heart from his late, lamented llamalove, we get a hallmark moments sequence of all the tender, romantic moments him and his wooly paramour spent with each other. Then he gets two llama hooves through the chest and dies.
Jug pulls out his mothers dress, and puts it on, coaxing the llamas into the barn with the single most disturbing scene of the movie, singing "Momma loves her llamas, momma loves her llamas...." over and over again. A baby llama spits fire and sets the barn ablaze. Jug and Toni escape, where Jug finds to his delight that the fire has made him a hopeless cripple, like he always wanted. Toni finally escapes the farm, only to discover that her midnight rendezvous with her llama seducer wasn't a dream, and she's now in a wooly family way. At which point the movie ends, and you're left staring at the TV, wondering why by all that's holy does this movie even exist.
This movie is bad. Mindnumbingly, screamingly, hysterically bad. Bad enough to not only make you think "I can do better", but actually consider trying just that. Bad enough to revoke the director's Final Cut Pro license, and break his fingers before every going behind a camera again. We're talking "Manos, hands of fate" bad. Only worse.
By all means, see it with friends or loved ones.
