Episode III snarkage
May. 25th, 2005 01:10 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
patgundMind you, for the most part I liked a lot of Episode III. That's not stopping the snarkage though.....
Yes, we've established that Anakin is a hotshot pilot. But we're expected to believe he's good enough to take *half* of a broken battleship-sized craft though atmosphere, though reentry, (with hot plasma venting though the various holes in the side), and manage to do a belly landing on a strip without everything on the ship becoming road pizza at best? (And we'll ignore all the damage and death that landing caused, much less when the other half of that ship fell)
Since when did R2D2 become the swiss army knife of droids? And why didn't he have all those nifty neato accessories in Episode IV though VI ?? Did someone on the Tantive IV look over him and go "Whoa. An astromech droid doesn't need all that"??
With romantic dialog like that, I can see why Lucas is still unmarried.
No, seriously, watching Anakin and Padme's "I wuv you DIS MUCH" dialog was like watching the mating dance of Care Bears. Why didn't they go straight to "Snookems" and "Snugglebug"??
Lucas needs to have his fingers broken, if not removed, if he ever tries to write a line of romantic dialog again.
And couldn't Padme have grown a spine when she found out she was preggers?
Padme: "Anakin, I'm pregnant. Don't worry, I went and told the Jedi Council everything, including about our secret marriage. They'll let you take a leave from the order. Isn't this great? We don't have to hide anymore!"
Anakin: "Whaaa......"
Bad way to arrest suspected Sith Lord - Leave angsty Jedi who reported the Sith behind because you don't trust him, further making him feel isolated from the order. Despite the fact that suspected sith lord has major secular powers, do not post guards at the Jedi Temple or get younglings and other noncombatants to safety.
Get four Jedi Masters to go into office, announce arrest. Have sith lord become ping-pong ball, take down two masters almost immediately. Have sith lord take down Jedi porn star Kit Fisto soon afterwards. Have long set-destroying battle between remaining master and sith lord. Have angsty Jedi show up against orders, have long debate with you on the Jedi way. Get betrayed by angsty Jedi, tossed out window.
Good way to arrest suspected Sith Lord - Bring angsty Jedi with you as part of a major strike team, (10 or more knights, masters, even talented padawans) against suspected sith lord, thereby reinforcing sense of teamwork and togetherness. Make sure noncombatants get to safety in case arrest attempt fails.
Keep the lightsabers on belts, use armor and modern weapons instead. Open door, blast in window, toss in a great many stun grenades, along with enough stun fire to make him sleep until next year. Search unconsious body, find holdout sith lightsaber, forge restraints on him, heavily sedate him, bring sith lord to trial.
Since the Jedi seem to not only be arrogant, but have the collective IQ of aquarium gravel, they use option one instead.
Anakin: "What have I done? I betrayed the Order and everything I was taught".
Sidious: "Yep. Want to become my new apprentice".
Anakin: "Sure! Sounds like a great idea".
None of the Jedi in the temple seem to have any interest in getting the younglings to safety when Anakin/Vader shows up with the troopers and procedes to clean house. Nor do they broadcast a message to all other Jedis along the lines of "Temple being attacked, Anakin Skywalker has betrayed us and is leading attack, along with republic troops. Seek shelter, do not come in contact with republic troops. Assume shoot to kill orders against Jedi."
Also, didn't anyone stop to check just what orders all those clone troopers were being programmed with? After all, you have this sudden appearance of clones that were supposely commissioned by a no-longer alive Jedi, and nobody in the order or republic seems to know about them? Wouldn't it have been a good idea at some point to check their education and programming in case there's any "easter eggs" you should be aware of?
Jedi: "About these clones. Can we go over their programming and any pre-set orders?"
Cloners: "Certainly. We have order 15, which dictates camp sanitary procedures. And then there's order 23, regarding the cooking and eating of hot dogs on friday. There's order 47, the ewok extermination order, and order 53, self-preservation cancelation protocols. Oh, and there's order 66, which causes the troopers to hunt down and kill all Jedi."
Jedi: "Umm, we don't really need either 47 or 66. Can we remove those orders and reprogram them?"
Cloners: "Certainly sir, will delete those orders immediately from the clones being created and trained. And issue the post-hypnotic command to the remaining clone troopers on the field to delete said orders.
Padme's just been told that Anakin has turned to the dark side, and slaughtered many in the Jedi temple, including children. So what does she do? Go off to try and reason with him. How about, oh, getting yourself and your unborm children to safety. After they are born, *then* you can worry about trying to save him. Yep, too stupid to live.
Meanwhile, Yoda, despite the fact that Sidious has already shown an ability to take out up to four Jedi masters at a time, goes off to confront him personally. The resulting free-for-all destroys a good chunk of the senate chambers, but doesn't change anything. "Big brass ones Yoda has, yes. Thinks take out Sith lord alone he can, hmmm?."
Was I the only person in the theatre that was looking at Anakin's freshly organic-limb-removed torso and thinking about an entirely different movie? "Come back here you coward! Fight like a man! I'll bite your limbs off!!"
Gee, hasn't Galactic medical science ever heard of debriding burn wounds?? You know, removing the dead burned skin to keep it from causing infection? Or even dunking him in a vat of bacta long enough to let the skin regenerate, *before* staplegunning the new limbs on?
Then there's the new twins. "So, what are we going to do with Luke and Leia". "Well, me and the missus, we've always wanted to adopt a little girl. So I'll just take the girl." "Well, what about the boy then?" "Not my problem old chap. Can't you find a biological relative or something to pawn him off on?" "Yeah, sure, we can do that."
Result, Leia goes off and gets trained as a statesperson, princess, and leader. While Luke gets to rot on a moisture farm.
Which reminds me, Vader also seems to have the Jedi IQ of rock salt. Putting tabs on his relatives on Tattooine would have been a good idea, or even put a flag in the imperial database for the last name "Skywalker". "Lord Vader, the imperial census has just been taken, and a flag came up demanding your attention. Planet of Tattooine, child by the name of Luke Skywalker. Records show that he's in the care of his Aunt and Uncle, an Owen and Beru." "Thank you, I will look into this matter personally." Even if he thought the children died with Padme, wouldn't *anyone* have thought that flagging his original name would have been a good idea?
Obi-Wan doesn't seem to take the suggestion to hide very well. At least in terms of the fact that he's still dressing like a Jedi by Episode IV. Hello, cluebat anyone?? Wandering around dressed like the members of a disgraced order wanted as enemies of the state isn't the brightest move in the book, even if you are on planet BFE. Not to mention the fact he aged 40 or so years between Episode III and IV. Either he really wasn't using an effective sunblock, or those weekends in Mos Eisely doing lines of meth and boffing Jawa hookers finally caught up to him.
Yes, we've established that Anakin is a hotshot pilot. But we're expected to believe he's good enough to take *half* of a broken battleship-sized craft though atmosphere, though reentry, (with hot plasma venting though the various holes in the side), and manage to do a belly landing on a strip without everything on the ship becoming road pizza at best? (And we'll ignore all the damage and death that landing caused, much less when the other half of that ship fell)
Since when did R2D2 become the swiss army knife of droids? And why didn't he have all those nifty neato accessories in Episode IV though VI ?? Did someone on the Tantive IV look over him and go "Whoa. An astromech droid doesn't need all that"??
With romantic dialog like that, I can see why Lucas is still unmarried.
No, seriously, watching Anakin and Padme's "I wuv you DIS MUCH" dialog was like watching the mating dance of Care Bears. Why didn't they go straight to "Snookems" and "Snugglebug"??
Lucas needs to have his fingers broken, if not removed, if he ever tries to write a line of romantic dialog again.
And couldn't Padme have grown a spine when she found out she was preggers?
Padme: "Anakin, I'm pregnant. Don't worry, I went and told the Jedi Council everything, including about our secret marriage. They'll let you take a leave from the order. Isn't this great? We don't have to hide anymore!"
Anakin: "Whaaa......"
Bad way to arrest suspected Sith Lord - Leave angsty Jedi who reported the Sith behind because you don't trust him, further making him feel isolated from the order. Despite the fact that suspected sith lord has major secular powers, do not post guards at the Jedi Temple or get younglings and other noncombatants to safety.
Get four Jedi Masters to go into office, announce arrest. Have sith lord become ping-pong ball, take down two masters almost immediately. Have sith lord take down Jedi porn star Kit Fisto soon afterwards. Have long set-destroying battle between remaining master and sith lord. Have angsty Jedi show up against orders, have long debate with you on the Jedi way. Get betrayed by angsty Jedi, tossed out window.
Good way to arrest suspected Sith Lord - Bring angsty Jedi with you as part of a major strike team, (10 or more knights, masters, even talented padawans) against suspected sith lord, thereby reinforcing sense of teamwork and togetherness. Make sure noncombatants get to safety in case arrest attempt fails.
Keep the lightsabers on belts, use armor and modern weapons instead. Open door, blast in window, toss in a great many stun grenades, along with enough stun fire to make him sleep until next year. Search unconsious body, find holdout sith lightsaber, forge restraints on him, heavily sedate him, bring sith lord to trial.
Since the Jedi seem to not only be arrogant, but have the collective IQ of aquarium gravel, they use option one instead.
Anakin: "What have I done? I betrayed the Order and everything I was taught".
Sidious: "Yep. Want to become my new apprentice".
Anakin: "Sure! Sounds like a great idea".
None of the Jedi in the temple seem to have any interest in getting the younglings to safety when Anakin/Vader shows up with the troopers and procedes to clean house. Nor do they broadcast a message to all other Jedis along the lines of "Temple being attacked, Anakin Skywalker has betrayed us and is leading attack, along with republic troops. Seek shelter, do not come in contact with republic troops. Assume shoot to kill orders against Jedi."
Also, didn't anyone stop to check just what orders all those clone troopers were being programmed with? After all, you have this sudden appearance of clones that were supposely commissioned by a no-longer alive Jedi, and nobody in the order or republic seems to know about them? Wouldn't it have been a good idea at some point to check their education and programming in case there's any "easter eggs" you should be aware of?
Jedi: "About these clones. Can we go over their programming and any pre-set orders?"
Cloners: "Certainly. We have order 15, which dictates camp sanitary procedures. And then there's order 23, regarding the cooking and eating of hot dogs on friday. There's order 47, the ewok extermination order, and order 53, self-preservation cancelation protocols. Oh, and there's order 66, which causes the troopers to hunt down and kill all Jedi."
Jedi: "Umm, we don't really need either 47 or 66. Can we remove those orders and reprogram them?"
Cloners: "Certainly sir, will delete those orders immediately from the clones being created and trained. And issue the post-hypnotic command to the remaining clone troopers on the field to delete said orders.
Padme's just been told that Anakin has turned to the dark side, and slaughtered many in the Jedi temple, including children. So what does she do? Go off to try and reason with him. How about, oh, getting yourself and your unborm children to safety. After they are born, *then* you can worry about trying to save him. Yep, too stupid to live.
Meanwhile, Yoda, despite the fact that Sidious has already shown an ability to take out up to four Jedi masters at a time, goes off to confront him personally. The resulting free-for-all destroys a good chunk of the senate chambers, but doesn't change anything. "Big brass ones Yoda has, yes. Thinks take out Sith lord alone he can, hmmm?."
Was I the only person in the theatre that was looking at Anakin's freshly organic-limb-removed torso and thinking about an entirely different movie? "Come back here you coward! Fight like a man! I'll bite your limbs off!!"
Gee, hasn't Galactic medical science ever heard of debriding burn wounds?? You know, removing the dead burned skin to keep it from causing infection? Or even dunking him in a vat of bacta long enough to let the skin regenerate, *before* staplegunning the new limbs on?
Then there's the new twins. "So, what are we going to do with Luke and Leia". "Well, me and the missus, we've always wanted to adopt a little girl. So I'll just take the girl." "Well, what about the boy then?" "Not my problem old chap. Can't you find a biological relative or something to pawn him off on?" "Yeah, sure, we can do that."
Result, Leia goes off and gets trained as a statesperson, princess, and leader. While Luke gets to rot on a moisture farm.
Which reminds me, Vader also seems to have the Jedi IQ of rock salt. Putting tabs on his relatives on Tattooine would have been a good idea, or even put a flag in the imperial database for the last name "Skywalker". "Lord Vader, the imperial census has just been taken, and a flag came up demanding your attention. Planet of Tattooine, child by the name of Luke Skywalker. Records show that he's in the care of his Aunt and Uncle, an Owen and Beru." "Thank you, I will look into this matter personally." Even if he thought the children died with Padme, wouldn't *anyone* have thought that flagging his original name would have been a good idea?
Obi-Wan doesn't seem to take the suggestion to hide very well. At least in terms of the fact that he's still dressing like a Jedi by Episode IV. Hello, cluebat anyone?? Wandering around dressed like the members of a disgraced order wanted as enemies of the state isn't the brightest move in the book, even if you are on planet BFE. Not to mention the fact he aged 40 or so years between Episode III and IV. Either he really wasn't using an effective sunblock, or those weekends in Mos Eisely doing lines of meth and boffing Jawa hookers finally caught up to him.
