Bad Movie Review - The Calamari Wrestler
Apr. 12th, 2007 07:22 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
patgundAh, illness. When fevers, joint aches, and undue amounts of cough syrup allow one to catch up with their video collection.
At times, this can be enjoyable. At other times, the sheer "WTF moments" make one's movie seem a figment of the medicine. Surely the human mind didn't actually FILM that, did they??
Then there's Japan. Now, I'm an admitted Nipponophile. I adore sushi, enjoy finding cool stuff in Japanese stores, have more than a fair share of Japanese toys. I'm a Pocky addict, love anime, and grew up watching Japanese sendai live-action shows.
This doesn't change the fact that there is something deeply, disturbingly *wrong* in the Japanese mindset. This live-action move, "The Calamari Wrestler" (Ika Resuraa) is an example of this, a heartwarming, uplifting story about a person achieving their dream of being the Pro Wrestling champion of Japan, despite the disability of being turned into a giant squid......
The movie starts with wrestler Taguchi in his championship bout. His girlfriend, Miyako looks on adoringly, the half-packed arena is on the edge of their seats. Taguchi achives his goal, and gets his coveted belt..
....only to have a tentacle snatch it away. A man-sized squid stands at the arena, challenging Taguchi. They end up fighting, Taguchi having problems because most wrestling holds don't work on cephalopods, Miyako finds the squid's moves familar (no, not like that you pervert!).......and the squid defeats Taguchi. Taguchi is still the champion - the match wasn't sanctioned - but his honor is in tatters. The media goes wild, tracking down the squid, (dubbed, the Catamari Wrestler, I'll just call him CW for short), in a temple, meditating, along with his mysterious trainer & manager.
The wrestling foundation offers to do a fixed match with Taguchi and CW, but CW will have none of that - he fights to win. Enraged, the wrestling foundation declares that CW will never fight in Japan. Taguchi is furious at this - he wants to regain his honor and defeat CW fairly. The public is livid, they want to see this match. They finally give in to the demands.....
Meanwhile, more and more Miyako is convinced that CW is actually her former boyfriend (and Taguchi's best friend / opponent) Kanichi Iwata, who dissappeared and was presumed dead. They see more and more of each other. Their feelings grow. However, the temple priests warn CW, he MUST keep control of his emotions and desires, or he'll become human again.
However, love, or lust, cannot be deined. CW and Miyako end up making love, (oh, come on, it's JAPAN!! You KNEW Tentacle Sex had to figure into it somewhere!!) Alas, the next morning, Miyako wakes up to find her cephalopodic paramour is gone, and in his place is her long-lost boyfriend Kanuchi! You would THINK this is a moment for rejoicing, in true "Beauty and the Beast" character. The beast is gone, the lover has returned! True love prevails!!
Right, you forget it's Japan again. Horrified by this sudden turn of events, Miyako rushes Kanuchi back to the temple. The priests and monks chuckle naughty naughty at them and rushes Kanuchi to the temple bell, there to undergo the Ritual of 365 Points to purify his desires and change him back to CW. While Kanuchi undergoes this agony, Miyako purifies herself at a Shinto shrine, atoning for last night's ritual of multiple points, and praying "Oh God, please turn Kanichi into a squid again". I guess once you go invertebrate, you never go back. The ritual is sucesssful, and CW returns in all his cephalopodic glory.
On to Rocky-type scenes of CW and Taguchi working out, training, shopping, etc. CW's mysterious manager/trainer shows up at Taguchi's gym, gives him two plane tickets, and tells him that if he wants to defeat CW, he needs to get on that plane.
Comes the day of the big fight. A packed house, a sell-out crowd. Miyako tearfully tells her Squiddy Sweetie she wants to have his babies. (EWWW!!!!!....No, wait, this IS Japan......) CW comes into the ring, and in the other corner stands Taguchi. Except Taguchi is no longer human either, he's a GIANT OCTOPUS!!!! Yes indeedy we have the Sunday Night Seafood Smackdown, with the Calamari Wrestler vs. the Octopus Wrestler!!! Squid pins Octopus, Octopus grapples Squid. In the end there can only be one - and it's the Calamari Wrestler! The crowd goes wild!!
After the fight, CW and OW are media stars! Their commericals and tentacles are everywhere! And we get Hallmark moments of CW and Miyako dining, (not on sashmi I presume), walking though the park, shopping, skipping hand-in-tentacle down the street. But alas, their bliss is not to be. CW is attacked in the street and challenged by Squilla, a Giant Manis Shrimp! This challenge can't be turned down, and so the scene is set for the New Year's Eve Seafood Smackdown Spectactular, complete with a last-minute taunt from his now ex-manager/trainer.
More Rocky-style training scenes, with a now-human-again Taguchi helping to train CW like he did once when Taguchi was Kanuchi's best friend. Some friendly man-to-squid philosophical moments as well, turning this into a buddy film as well. But CW is beset by self-doubt. Can he defeat Squilla??
Comes the New Year's Eve Seafood Smackdown Spectacular. The largest venue in Tokyo is booked solid. CW has trained hard, even though his doubts. Squilla comes into the ring, it's invertebrate vs crustacean. The battle rages. CW looses confidence, feels fear towards Squilla......and turns back into Kanuchi. But Kanuchi doesn't know the meaning of the word "quit". Doggedly he faces his fears, and then fights Squilla as a human being, Taguchi jumps into the ring to assist, and they both attempt to defeat Squilla......
....But what's this? Squilla turns out to be the famous founder of Japanese Pro Wrestling, who disappeared years ago! More than that, he turns out to be the long-lost father of *BOTH* Kanuchi and Taguchi! Seems he wanted to make sure his blood could keep Pro Wrestling in Japan alive after he was gone - and wanted to test his sons to make sure they could carry on his legacy. Both Kanuchi and Taguchi greet the news about who their father was by slapping the crap out of dear Shrimp Daddy, knocking him around the ring a few times - before a joyful family reunion in the ring. Long live the glories of Japanese Pro Wrestling!! (and let's ignore Miyako's tears as she realizes she's never going to feel the tentaclely goodness of CW's love......)
Wow.
You know, if someone introduced Mexican Pro Wrestling to Japan in the early 50's, I could SEE this developing out of it. Then again, there is Kaiju wrestling, so maybe I'm not too far off. Still, if you want a heartwarming story a young squid finding love and meeting his dreams, then this is the movie for you. A tentacle movie for the whole family.
At times, this can be enjoyable. At other times, the sheer "WTF moments" make one's movie seem a figment of the medicine. Surely the human mind didn't actually FILM that, did they??
Then there's Japan. Now, I'm an admitted Nipponophile. I adore sushi, enjoy finding cool stuff in Japanese stores, have more than a fair share of Japanese toys. I'm a Pocky addict, love anime, and grew up watching Japanese sendai live-action shows.
This doesn't change the fact that there is something deeply, disturbingly *wrong* in the Japanese mindset. This live-action move, "The Calamari Wrestler" (Ika Resuraa) is an example of this, a heartwarming, uplifting story about a person achieving their dream of being the Pro Wrestling champion of Japan, despite the disability of being turned into a giant squid......
The movie starts with wrestler Taguchi in his championship bout. His girlfriend, Miyako looks on adoringly, the half-packed arena is on the edge of their seats. Taguchi achives his goal, and gets his coveted belt..
....only to have a tentacle snatch it away. A man-sized squid stands at the arena, challenging Taguchi. They end up fighting, Taguchi having problems because most wrestling holds don't work on cephalopods, Miyako finds the squid's moves familar (no, not like that you pervert!).......and the squid defeats Taguchi. Taguchi is still the champion - the match wasn't sanctioned - but his honor is in tatters. The media goes wild, tracking down the squid, (dubbed, the Catamari Wrestler, I'll just call him CW for short), in a temple, meditating, along with his mysterious trainer & manager.
The wrestling foundation offers to do a fixed match with Taguchi and CW, but CW will have none of that - he fights to win. Enraged, the wrestling foundation declares that CW will never fight in Japan. Taguchi is furious at this - he wants to regain his honor and defeat CW fairly. The public is livid, they want to see this match. They finally give in to the demands.....
Meanwhile, more and more Miyako is convinced that CW is actually her former boyfriend (and Taguchi's best friend / opponent) Kanichi Iwata, who dissappeared and was presumed dead. They see more and more of each other. Their feelings grow. However, the temple priests warn CW, he MUST keep control of his emotions and desires, or he'll become human again.
However, love, or lust, cannot be deined. CW and Miyako end up making love, (oh, come on, it's JAPAN!! You KNEW Tentacle Sex had to figure into it somewhere!!) Alas, the next morning, Miyako wakes up to find her cephalopodic paramour is gone, and in his place is her long-lost boyfriend Kanuchi! You would THINK this is a moment for rejoicing, in true "Beauty and the Beast" character. The beast is gone, the lover has returned! True love prevails!!
Right, you forget it's Japan again. Horrified by this sudden turn of events, Miyako rushes Kanuchi back to the temple. The priests and monks chuckle naughty naughty at them and rushes Kanuchi to the temple bell, there to undergo the Ritual of 365 Points to purify his desires and change him back to CW. While Kanuchi undergoes this agony, Miyako purifies herself at a Shinto shrine, atoning for last night's ritual of multiple points, and praying "Oh God, please turn Kanichi into a squid again". I guess once you go invertebrate, you never go back. The ritual is sucesssful, and CW returns in all his cephalopodic glory.
On to Rocky-type scenes of CW and Taguchi working out, training, shopping, etc. CW's mysterious manager/trainer shows up at Taguchi's gym, gives him two plane tickets, and tells him that if he wants to defeat CW, he needs to get on that plane.
Comes the day of the big fight. A packed house, a sell-out crowd. Miyako tearfully tells her Squiddy Sweetie she wants to have his babies. (EWWW!!!!!....No, wait, this IS Japan......) CW comes into the ring, and in the other corner stands Taguchi. Except Taguchi is no longer human either, he's a GIANT OCTOPUS!!!! Yes indeedy we have the Sunday Night Seafood Smackdown, with the Calamari Wrestler vs. the Octopus Wrestler!!! Squid pins Octopus, Octopus grapples Squid. In the end there can only be one - and it's the Calamari Wrestler! The crowd goes wild!!
After the fight, CW and OW are media stars! Their commericals and tentacles are everywhere! And we get Hallmark moments of CW and Miyako dining, (not on sashmi I presume), walking though the park, shopping, skipping hand-in-tentacle down the street. But alas, their bliss is not to be. CW is attacked in the street and challenged by Squilla, a Giant Manis Shrimp! This challenge can't be turned down, and so the scene is set for the New Year's Eve Seafood Smackdown Spectactular, complete with a last-minute taunt from his now ex-manager/trainer.
More Rocky-style training scenes, with a now-human-again Taguchi helping to train CW like he did once when Taguchi was Kanuchi's best friend. Some friendly man-to-squid philosophical moments as well, turning this into a buddy film as well. But CW is beset by self-doubt. Can he defeat Squilla??
Comes the New Year's Eve Seafood Smackdown Spectacular. The largest venue in Tokyo is booked solid. CW has trained hard, even though his doubts. Squilla comes into the ring, it's invertebrate vs crustacean. The battle rages. CW looses confidence, feels fear towards Squilla......and turns back into Kanuchi. But Kanuchi doesn't know the meaning of the word "quit". Doggedly he faces his fears, and then fights Squilla as a human being, Taguchi jumps into the ring to assist, and they both attempt to defeat Squilla......
....But what's this? Squilla turns out to be the famous founder of Japanese Pro Wrestling, who disappeared years ago! More than that, he turns out to be the long-lost father of *BOTH* Kanuchi and Taguchi! Seems he wanted to make sure his blood could keep Pro Wrestling in Japan alive after he was gone - and wanted to test his sons to make sure they could carry on his legacy. Both Kanuchi and Taguchi greet the news about who their father was by slapping the crap out of dear Shrimp Daddy, knocking him around the ring a few times - before a joyful family reunion in the ring. Long live the glories of Japanese Pro Wrestling!! (and let's ignore Miyako's tears as she realizes she's never going to feel the tentaclely goodness of CW's love......)
Wow.
You know, if someone introduced Mexican Pro Wrestling to Japan in the early 50's, I could SEE this developing out of it. Then again, there is Kaiju wrestling, so maybe I'm not too far off. Still, if you want a heartwarming story a young squid finding love and meeting his dreams, then this is the movie for you. A tentacle movie for the whole family.
