patgund | Bad Movie Review - The Harrad Experiment

There's a few movies in my Bad Movie collection that have been waiting, like spores of anthrax, waiting to inflict themselves on my memories. When the movie is based on a book I've read, it makes the experience even more questionable. When the movie is based on a book with a cult following, well…….

In 1966, Robert Rimmer released a book called "The Harrad Experiment". This is considered by some to be an early book on the subject of open sexuality and non-monogamy. I remember reading it in my late teens - early 20's. And thinking it was moderately preachy and dull then. When I read it a decade or so later, I had much the same reaction.

So the question becomes how does the 1973 movie cook the book down to 93 minutes? The answer, poorly.

The movie starts with a young woman in a heavy coat walking though an open gate. She looks at the sign on at the gate - Harrad College. Yep, that must be the right place. She finds her dorm room, drops her bags and slips off her coat, showing the cotton mini-dress she's wearing. She then slips outside and starts to walk around, eventually hugging a huge oak tree.

At that point, you expect the heavens to open and rain down granola.

While this is going on, you get credits that two of the songs are sung by Lori Leiberman. A worse prospect is that one of the songs is sung by one of the film's costars, Don Johnson.

Yes, that Don Johnson. So far most of the music has been a mix of Helen Reddy and Love American Style.

Sometimes a pipe is only a prop, as we're then treated to Philip Tenhausen, (played by James Whitmore) aka Professor Pipesucker, giving an orientation lecture to the incoming students, mostly a psychobabble discourse on human pairbonding practices and how they threw the male/female pairs into their dorm rooms.

We then get Harry (Bruno Kirby) walking into his dorm and meeting his dormie, Beth (Victoria Thompson) Beth is a confident fox, and Harry is a complete dweeb, so you already see the hijinks unfolding. And right on cue, comes Stanley, played by Don Johnson, looking for his roomie. Stanley has a charm and self-confidence that tells you his bedposts have more checkmarks than an entire bingo hall on $1 tuesday. His roomie turns out to be the shy, retiring, virginal Ms. Treehugger herself, Sheila. (Laurie Walters)

Stanley seems a bit upset he's got the shy, retiring Sheila, so after he grabs a shower and you're treated to a quick shot of Dons' Johnson, they go off to sleep in their own separate beds.

And it's hoped they got a good night's rest, because the first thing in the morning is co-ed naked yoga. It seems all the sports are supposed to be done in the nude here. After more full-frontal nudity and them sitting nakkie in a circle passing around "zooms", (No, I'm NOT kidding), Stanley starts trying to see if he can make Beth his next G-7 and Beth's roomie Harry starts getting annoyed. We have a "Human Development" class discussing different views on marriage in various cultures.

And If MST3K did movies with full-frontal nudity, this movie would have been perfect. Maybe Cinematic Titanic would give it a shot, but they'd need an entire squadron of boob blimps. (not to mention weenie widgets to block the many peen shots as well.

Back in the dorms, with Stanley setting up a Handy Dandy Dorm Pot Growing set and Sheila moving his stuff in, the discussion and plants spark a makeout session. However, Stanley is a bit too aggro for Sheila's tender feelings, and he ends up walking out of their room. Out in the woods, Beth is trying to cure Harry of his mopes and help him feel more comfortable with his own feelings. With soft-string music indicating they end up shagging like a rug.

Stanley pops in on Barbara, who's roomie Wilson, (who has a whole National Geographic's worth of issues), is out for a (non-nude) jog. Barbara is doing stamp collecting in her underwear. Stanley starts to discuss stamp collecting with Barbara, which naturally leads to sex.

Stamp collection as seduction . That's a new meaning to "beneath the sheets" and "First Day Covers"

Wilson comes in, discovers that Stanley has stamped her envelope, has a hissy fit, and punches Stanley in the nose. This seems to have made Barbara all gooshy for Wilson for some reason.

Stanley and Harry wander around discussing why Sheila hasn't become another check mark on Stanley's bedpost, leading Stanley to move their beds together. For some reason, this sparks a co-ed nude student swim, with Sheila starting to actually show her body to Stanley and flirt back. You see more naked Don Johnson, followed by a batch of other students in the buff.

Which reminds me, Is there a woman in this movie with a cup size other than "small but perky??

Later, Stanley, Sheila, Harry, and Beth are comparing notes, and Sheila mentions that Stanley hasn't sowed his acorns in her knothole yet. This sparks a fight between the two of them where Sheila accuses Stanley as unable to love and that the entire experiment is about learning to love without boundaries.

And sure enough, the discussion on boundaries results in Stanley exploring the borderlands of Beth. At this point, the string music with any love scene is causing ABC Afterschool Special flashbacks. Beth, being the liberated, open spirit she is, plans to tell Harry about their tryst. Stanley, being the jerk he is, plans to tell Sheila no such thing.

Instead, Stanley takes Sheila to a beat up greasy spoon. Egg games are played, and while Stanley heads off to the bathroom, Sheila gets chatted up by cape-wearing Mr. Creepy Sleezebucket, who figures that "Harrad = Easy" and refuses to take Sheila all but saying "Fuck off and die you creep" as an answer. Stanley comes out in time to hear Mr. Creepy Sleezebucket tell everyone that since they're teaching sexual liberation at Harrad, it would be hypocritical not to let his Molestasaurus Rex into her personal Jurassic Park, and finally offers an "admission fee". Stanley then comes over and pretends to be Pimp-Daddy Stanley,

Pimp-Daddy Stanley tells Mr. Creepy Sleezebucket that for the mousy charms of Sheila, it will be $50 and his cape. Since he's a jerk, he doesn't clue Sheila in on this, and she's getting freaked out by her roommate apparent day-trading her body on the open market. They go outside, Mr. Creepy Sleezebucket grabs Sheila and is about to drag her off to the creepy cave, Stanley says she forget her purse, she jumps in his car and they roar (okay sputter off) into the distance.

Back in their dorm room, Sheila shows a level of intelligence that would be subpar for a vat of plankton and decides that since he didn't leave her in the clutches of Creepy McRapey, that she wants to give herself up to Stanley that very night. And with more soft string music, the camera leaves their merging figures.

Cut away to Stanley and Sheila playing in the bathtub and wandering around the grounds, acting like everything is new and exciting. This is called "New Relationship Energy", though one wishes it had been with someone who isn't a testosterone-fueled creep. Meanwhile, Beth tells Harry about her bonking Stanley, and while he's a bit hurt, he's understanding about it. Sheila runs up to tell them the news she gave it up for Stanley and they're invited to a picnic. Already you know where this is going to lead.

Sure enough Harry shows his own sub-par social skills and mentions how wonderful Sheila handled the Stanley-Beth matchup. Sheila looks confused, and then the light dawns on her. Ooops, looks like she didn't handle it as well as Harry thought.

Stanley finally tracks down Sheila in the campus greenhouse, where they argue, then talk and then hash out their feelings, with Stanley admitting to having posted his package in Barbara's mailslot. Over pool, Harry apologizes to Stanley, and Stanley comes up with the idea of going to see a local improv group.

(and wow Fred Willard had the sideburns from hell back then)

A Harrad student comes up to help the improv group, and they do an amazingly unfunny bit, followed by a cut to Professor Pipesucker discussing the concept of adultery, marriage, and alternatives thereof. Seems Professor Pipesucker believes that the point of Harrad is to make group marriages workable. Sheila voices her concerns, Professor Pipesucker cuts them to little bitty pieces, and Wilson asks Professor Pipesucker why he and his wife have the type of marriage that Professor Pipesucker claims is unworkable. Pipesucker hems and haws and finally says that he and his wife are "the past" and the students are "the future". And Pipesucker is one big flaming hypocrite.

Afterwars, Pipesucker and his wife Margaret invite Stanley and Sheila to play badminton with them. During the game, it becomes obvious that Stanley wants to get into Mrs. Pipesucker's panties, trying to ambush her after the game. However, Margaret sees straight though him and starts to dismantle all his arguments, finally starting to take off her clothes to make love on the lawn in front of the college building and calling his bluff in front of the other students watching. Stanley freaks and runs.

(mind you, I'm surprised said lawn didn't already HAVE students there taking some afternoon delight with each other.)

Professor Pipesucker and the wife discuss Stanley's attempt at seduction, and Margaret basically handing him his balls back. Worried, Professor Pipesucker goes up to talk to Stanley. Stanley has already decided to leave. Professor Pipesucker meets him on the stairs and tells him if he wants to run away like a wimp, that's his choice, but he's not going to expel Stanley for getting verbally castrated by his wife in front off the other students.

Meanwhile, Sheila finds a note from Stanley on his pot growing lamp. He's waiting for her at the greasy spoon. She tearfully debates going, but decides to stay on campus. While the soundtrack starts with Don Johnson singing (ARRRRGH!!), Stanley leaves the greasy spoon, despondent. He goes up into their dorm room, and finds it empty. Finally he ends up finding Sheila having a torrid threesome with Beth and Harry and telling him to eat shit and get the hell lost. Actually, no, they're just sitting on the floor talking. Stanley says he's staying, and Sheila happily takes his hand, followed by Harry and Beth. They stand in a circle and start to pass "zooms" around before collapsing in a happy group hug and the 70's typeface credits roll.

This movie is so 70's it was filmed on polyester. Wow. Not only that, this movie absolutely beats you over the head with "the message", showing much the same tact and subtlety usually associated with thermonuclear weapons. Said message is somewhat murky and unclear, but they're very earnest about it and will beat you over the head with it.