Interesting

[patgund]

This is an interesting read. I'm not sure how I feel about it. It does seem to strike a nerve though

Of Never Feeling Hot: the missing narrative of desire in the lives of straight men (reprinted)

"...we don’t have a culture in which many young men grow up with the experience of being seen and wanted, in which young men grow up with the sense that their bodies are desirable and beautiful as well as functional. Our cultural discourse about young men teaches that managing their own (presumably insatiable) sexual desire is the defining task of their adolescence. A “jock discourse” that encourages young men to “score” with as many women as possible and an “abstinence discourse” which encourages young men to restrain themselves heroically have essentially the same perspective: your job as a man is to channel your libido, either into sexual conquests or radical restriction. Both discourses center male desire, just as most discourses aimed at young women teach teenage girls how to gain, manage, and direct that same titanic force. The missing element, of course, is the idea that female desire can be directed towards men in general, and towards their bodies in particular."

Comments

[danceswthcobras.livejournal.com]

I like this article, rather a lot. Since I found it awhile back, I've sent a lot of guys there, especially the ones I've dated. I am wired to deeply appreciate men who know what it is to be the object of desire, and not just its pursuer.

[patgund.livejournal.com]

When I was asked about how I felt on this article, I replied I honestly didn't know - because the very concept brought up was so alien it was like being asked how I felt about the spongeball rally on Zeta Bitmose IV.

Honestly, it wasn't anything I ever thought I missed or lacked, because it simply was how things were and I didn't give it any thought. Telling my partner she was wanted and desirable? Well, DUH, I wouldn't be with her otherwise. Hearing it from her about me? *shrug*

And now that I've read it??

I still don't know how I feel on it.

[danceswthcobras.livejournal.com]

*chuckle* Then I guess I should have done a better job of communicating way back when. But being teenagers excuses a vast multitude of sins.

[patgund.livejournal.com]

*chuckle* Indeed. I thought YOU were pretty damn hot then.

For that matter, last time I saw you, I'd have to say you *still* are pretty damn hot :-)

[danceswthcobras.livejournal.com]

Don't think we've met face to face for many, many years; sadly we're on different coasts these days. I do recall that when I was younger, I tended to treat men rather like a stereotypical man treats a woman. Courting them, buying them pretty things to wear, and generally being the dominant aggressor. Actually that hasn't really changed; I've just figured out less subtle ways to communicate and express these dynamics in a healthy, safe, sane and consensual manner.

It's enlightening and perhaps a bit humbling to realize that I really didn't manage to get the message across, back then. I hope I do a better job now.

[patgund.livejournal.com]

And to be fair, it needed time and patient application of a 2x4 over my head during that time period to notice that anyone WAS interested in me. So the fact you did make that interest clear when I was completely clue-repellent speaks volumes.

Thankfully I've learned to at least notice the clues now. And that my being the aggressor isn't the Very Bad Thing I thought it was. In fact, it's a lot more healthy and sane for myself and my partners to accept that I can be a gentleman AND be aggressive, that the two are not mutually exclusive. That while it's a delight to be the prey at times, I rather like being the predator as well.