(Sigh)

[patgund]

When I got home last night, I had to hit my inhaler rather hard. Something I very rarely have to do. But then, I'm not usually at the forced breath and about to black out level of asthma either.

The problem was that using my inhaler left me very dizzy and out of focus. And wired me enough to make sleep last night very, very difficult.

Not that I've been sleeping well of late anyway.

Right now tired and unsettled. The full-spectrum lamp I have in my office seems to be helping the seasonal depression, (if just on placebo effect if nothing else), but I'm still feeling unsettled, uneasy, and isolate. When my harp seems to be the only thing to go home to, and I can talk to my daughter on the phone just as easily from work as from my house, home becomes merely someplace to sleep and store your stuff.

I'd like to find a better place to live, but affordable housing in San Diego is almost completely non-existant. So I'm spinning my wheels where I'm at.

I dunno. Feel like I'm trapped anymore. Feel like at time that the safest thing for me to do is shut down as much of my emotional array as possible, restrict the ability to care to just my daughter. Keep everything else tied down and hidden. Not show the hurt.

Oh well. What will be will be. My faith is almost gone, my dreams are gone, why can't hope be on that list as well? Where's Catbert's "So, you still have hope" video when I need it?? :-)

Oh well. Do my holiday shopping this weekend, get it out of the way. Need to get cards to send as well. Ack.

Comments

[serenejournal.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Wish I could help. I know I say this a lot, but when you don't feel like going home, you're more than welcome to come to our place, with or without wacky videos. *morehugs*

[celticdragonfly.livejournal.com]

Sigh... I want to see you get OUT of there so bad that I read these and grind my teeth...

Okay, this may or may not offend you, but I'll risk it. You remind me of a rather Non-PC comedian I heard years ago, talking about horror movies like Amityville and how it was always a white family - that if it was a black family moving into a house where suddenly the walls started bleeding and voices started wailing "GET OUUUUUT!", they'd be gone so fast!

Dunno if this is true - but in that analogy, you're awfully white about all this...

But no, I don't have an ideal solution to hand to you, either. (See above comment on teeth grinding. Grrr.)

I'm glad they let you have the lamp at your office. I remember trying to have mine at TRW, and jerky coworkers making a fuss and refusing to let me have it there. Agh.

Mine is currently not working. Thought it was the tubes burning out, but the new tubes are the same. Talked to Northern Light, I have an address I can send it to in New York to get fixed. It apparently is probably the - oh darn, forgot the name of the part. A voltage control bit, that lets lots through to power it up properly, then keeps it lower. Anyway, if I can find a local electrician, might be able to get it fixed here. I NEED it, darn it.

[patgund.livejournal.com]

Oh, not offended. Actually a fairly good decription in places. :-)

And, if it wasn't for Little Bit, I'd be out of here really quick. As it is, I suspect I'll take lapiskelinia up on her suggestion and bring resumes with me when I go out - and maybe pack some interview clothes, just in case.

I got permission for the lamp by the simple procedure of not asking for it. There's so much random electronics in my closet office anyway that there's no way of knowing what's supposed to be there and not.

[kyril.livejournal.com]

If it's not the exciter you're talking about, it's the ballast. If this is a standard fluorescent lamp at heart, I'm sure replacement parts are available at your local home depot...if you can only figure out what the right parts are.

[angelique69.livejournal.com]

Life sucks and then you die and then you're reborn and life sucks..... ? Love you. Blessed Be, Angelique